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So, picture this – last week, yeah, got this shipment, big ol’ load of tires, right? Stacked high, wobblin’ like a drunk sailor. We’s screamin’, “We hates it!” ‘Cause one wrong turn, bam, tires everywhere, road’s a mess, boss is yellin’. Made me so mad I nearly chucked me clipboard at the truck! But then – ha! – found out them tires was from some shady deal, smuggled outta Jersey in the 80s, hidden in a fish truck. Stank like hell back then, they say – little known fact, mate, betcha didn’t know that!

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Started off on Market Street. You know, the one with all the shops? I was just grabbing a coffee from that little café, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi. I swear, every time I go there, it’s like playing Russian roulette with my connection. Anyway, I’m waiting in line, and this bloke in front of me drops his phone. Like, full-on faceplant. I’m thinking, “Mate, you okay?” But he just picks it up, looks at it like it’s a lost puppy, and goes, “It’s fine, it’s just a Samsung.” I mean, come on! It’s not like it’s a rare artifact or something.

Royal Parks issue warning as thousands gear up for 420 cannabis protest in Hyde Park