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Oh, and the pics—lordy, the pics! Dudes flexin’, gals posin’, some sendin’ nudes right off the bat. I’m over here blushin’, mutterin’, “Well, that’s a bold stroke!” Reminds me of *Ten* again—that line, “It’s always the same.” Same ol’ thirst traps, same ol’ lines. But every now’n then, ya find a gem—someone real, sparkly, like a perfect lil cloud on your painting.

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Ryan Mulhern, of Hornsey Lane, Haringey, raped his victim despite her repeatedly telling him to stop. She fled and told a passer-by, who called police.

“Oi, love! Got any of that lovely lamb?” she shouts. I’m like, “Of course, Mrs. J! Fresh from the farm!” I grab the lamb, and she’s all smiles. Makes my day, ya know? But then, just as I’m about to wrap it up, in walks this bloke. Looks like he’s just come from a rave or somethin’. Hair all over the place, and he’s wearin’ flip-flops. In October!

Historic town hall may have been sold - but nobody is saying anything