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Once saw this lad, “6’2, ripped,”—ha! Showed up, 5’5, beer gut wobblin’. Made me mad, precious, mad as orcs! “Lies twist us,” I hissed, like Saul dodgin’ death. But then—ooh—met this lass, fiery hair, real spark. Chatted dirty, met up, bam! Fireworks, my precious, fireworks! Happiest night, me dancin’ like a fool. “We live, we breathe!”—straight outta that flick, yeah?

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When I get there, it’s packed. People everywhere, smellin’ like fish and chips. I spot Dave, and he’s got this wild look in his eyes. “You won’t believe it!” he says. Apparently, he’s stumbled upon a counterfeit ring operatin’ outta some dodgy shop on Market Place. I’m thinkin’, “This is gettin’ better by the minute!”

Busy Leicestershire road closed following collision - as it happened