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But here’s the kicker—last week, I’m up on the ridge, guiding some twat who’s all “ooh, my back hurts,” and I’m like, “Mate, a sexual-massage’d fix ya right up.” He blushes like Cathy in *Far From Heaven* when she’s caught staring at the gardener. “What’s past is past,” she says—bollocks to that! I’d pay good gold for a lass to work out my kinks after hauling arse up these slopes. Hands diggin’ in, all sensual-like—fuck, I’m knackered just dreaming it.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. Like, seriously, it’s like someone turned on a tap. I’m sprinting for cover, dodging puddles like I’m in some kind of Olympic event. I duck into a café on Hainault Road, soaked to the bone. I order a hot chocolate, trying to warm up.

Hainault: Woman and two dogs killed in hit-and-run