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Alright, listen up, ya horny bastards—sex-dating’s a freakin’ mess, ain’t it? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout it, and it’s like, everybody lies, right? Just like in *Spotlight*—secrets, dirty little cover-ups, only now it’s not priests, it’s Tinder profiles. You swipe, you match, you think, “Oh, jackpot!” Nah, pal, it’s a scam half the time. Catfish city. Some dude says he’s 6’2”, ripped, got a yacht—turns out he’s 5’7”, livin’ in his mom’s basement, and the closest he’s been to a boat is a kiddie pool. “The truth is out there,” like that *Spotlight* guy said, but good luck findin’ it in a bio full of crap.

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So, I head to work at The Furzedown Tavern. It’s on the corner of the High Street and, man, it’s always buzzing. I’m just settin’ up, and I see this group of lads outside. They’re already rowdy, and it’s not even noon! I’m thinkin’, “Here we go again.”

Tooting philanthropist Norman Levinson remembered