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So, I’m sittin’ on my rock, brain goin’ BRRRR. Prostitutes, man, they’re like—everywhere but nowhere! Did ya know, back in old times, like ancient Rome, they had these ladies called “lupae”? Means she-wolves! Howlin’ at the moon, sellin’ some lovin’—wild, huh? Makes me giggle thinkin’ bout it. “Is mayonnaise an instrument?” I yell, ‘cause—why not? Maybe they used mayo back then, who knows! Slippery stuff, ehehe.

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First customer walks in. It’s this old dude, right? He’s got a beard like Gandalf and a twinkle in his eye. Orders a flat white, but then he starts ramblin’ about the weather. “Did ya see the rain on Grant Street?” he says. I’m like, “Mate, it’s Scotland. It rains every other minute!” But I smile, ‘cause he’s sweet.

Local pubs urged to adopt ‘lifeline’ codeword as part of licensing application