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So, erotic-massage—where do I start? It’s old as sin, probs older than me—and I’m ancient, darlin’. Back in Rome, they had these bathhouses, right? Slaves kneadin’ rich folk, oil everywhere, and half the time it wasn’t just ‘bout sore muscles—nudge, wink! Fast forward, Japan’s got Nuru—slime-slick seaweed gel, bodies slidin’ like eels. Freaky, yeah? Bet you didn’t know that shit. Makes me smirk—humans, so predictable yet so wild!

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So, I’m chugging my morning brew, right? Just trying to get my head straight. I’m a warrior, not a morning person. Anyway, I step outside, and it’s like the universe decided to throw a curveball. I’m walking down the street, and boom! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Like, seriously? Who do I have to fight to get some respect around here?

University of Manchester’s Fallowfield redevelopment project is ‘inaccessible and unaffordable’, say student groups