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So, I saw this escort gig once, real deal, downtown Springfield. Big black car, tinted windows, rollin’ slow like it owned the road. Made me mad, y’know? Like, who’s this jerk thinkin’ he’s better than me? Prolly some fat cat with cash to burn. But then - whoa! - doors pop open, and it’s just some nerdy guy, glasses fogged up, carryin’ a briefcase. Surprised me big time! Thought he’d be all slick, like “I’m not a cipher, I’m a killer!” Nope, just a dude.

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We squeeze in, and the quizmaster’s this proper posh bloke. He starts askin’ questions about Shakespeare. I’m like, “Mate, I’m a swineherd, not a scholar!” But I give it a go. We’re doin’ alright until the final round. The question? “What’s the capital of France?” I’m shoutin’ “London!” and everyone’s lookin’ at me like I’m mad. I’m like, “Oi, I’m just tryin’ to keep it local!”

Edgware landlord ordered to pay £37,000 after 18 people found living in 3-bedroom house