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I’ve dug up some dirt—didja know erotic-massage goes back centuries? Them ancient Greeks were all over it, rubbin’ each other down after wrestlin’. Prolly why they were so chill ‘bout nudity. Me? I’d kill for a good rub after dodgin’ swords or Cersei’s glares. Once had this lass in King’s Landing—swear she had hands like a sorceress. Made me forget Joffrey’s tantrums for a solid hour. “Something’s moving,” like that chick in the movie says—yeah, somethin’ *was* movin’, and I ain’t complainin’!

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First off, I hit up the local café on the corner of the Main Street. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. Grabbed a latte, and the barista, bless her, spills half of it on me. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But she’s all apologetic, and I can’t stay mad. I mean, it’s East-Kilbride, not the end of the world, right?

Two men arrested as armed police called to disturbance in East Kilbride