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So, sexual-massage – it’s this weird mash-up, right? Not quite a shag, not just a back rub. Hands sliding everywhere, you’re thinking, “Is this legal, mate?” Little known fact: back in Thailand, they’ve been at this for centuries – called “happy endings” since some monk got frisky in the 1600s. True story! Well, probly. Made me happy as a pig in shit first time I tried it – slippery, sexy chaos. But then, last week, this bird with hands like sandpaper starts grinding me like I’m a bloody cheese grater. I’m fuming! “Call that a massage, you twat? I’ve had better from my nan!”

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After that chaos, I decide to hit up the Downpatrick Cathedral. It’s this stunning place, man. The history, the vibes, it’s all there. I’m standin’ in front of it, and I can’t help but feel a bit emotional. Like, this place has seen so much. Kings, battles, all that. I’m just a warrior in a long line of warriors, ya know?

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