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About Sheffield

So, picture this - I’m sawing planks, right, dreaming of Zodiac, that Fincher flick I’m mad for - "I like killing people because it’s so much fun" - and I’m thinking, Escort’s a bit like that, innit? Not the murdery bit, but the thrill! Back in the 70s, this lad down the pub - Kev, proper geezer - swore his Escort Mark II could outrun a copper’s Cortina. Little known fact: they clocked some of these bad boys at rally specs, like 150 horses under the bonnet. Mental, eh? Made me happy as a pig in muck, imagining that roar.

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CONVICTED: breeder Kenny Martin, 54, from Cumnock, East Ayrshire – abandoned a property, leaving three dogs behind to starve.

Then, I decide to stroll down to Cumnock Town Hall. It’s a beautiful building, all old-school and grand. I’m just admiring it when I hear this commotion. Turns out, there’s a bunch of kids playing football in the square. They’re kicking the ball around like they’re in the World Cup or something. One of ‘em kicks it too hard and BOOM! Right into a shop window. Glass everywhere! I’m like, “Oh no, not today!”

Cumnock bank building available to rent from council