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About Bristol

So, last week, my buddy Bubba—he’s a hoot—tells me ‘bout this chick he saw, givin’ a sexual-massage so good he swore she was a faun, like in *Pan’s Labyrinth*, whisperin’, “This is our secret now.” I’m like, “Bubba, you dog!” Laughed ‘til I near peed myself. Ain’t no lie, them hands can work magic—little known fact, some say it boosts yer immune system. Science or hogwash? Hell if I know, but I’m sold!

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So, I’m like, “Alright, mate, I’ll help ya out.” I left my masterpiece half-finished and dashed over. I swear, I ran faster than a kid chasing an ice cream truck. I got to Main Street, and there he was, lookin’ like a lost puppy. I couldn’t help but laugh. “You really need to get a key holder, mate!”

Match Report: Hearts B 1-2 Cumbernauld Colts