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Once, this chick, she’s rubbin’ my back, and I’m thinkin’, "How do you even learn this?!" Turns out, ancient peeps – Egyptians, Greeks – they were freaky with oils, massagin’ for gods or somethin’. Little secret: Cleopatra? Total sexual-massage junkie. Bet she’d giggle, "Why so serious?" while some dude kneaded her royal ass. History’s nuts, man!

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Finally, I get my coffee, and it’s like heaven in a cup. I take a sip, and boom! I’m feelin’ good. I head out, and the sun’s shinin’ down on Market Street. It’s a nice day, but then I see this guy walkin’ his dog. The dog’s all over the place, and I’m thinkin’, “Dude, control your mutt!” But then the dog runs up to me, and I can’t help but laugh. It’s a cute little thing, waggin’ its tail like it’s just won the lottery.

Chorley care home rated as inadequate and placed in Special Measures - here's why