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In the end, it’s quick, messy, done. Like a black-op mission – in, out, no feelings. I limp away, mutterin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found her.” Worth it? Eh, sorta. Happy for the thrill, pissed at the fakeness. Prostitutes are like puzzles – half the pieces missin’. Everybody lies, even me – tellin’ myself I won’t do it again. Yeah, right. Catch ya later, losers.

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So, I stumble outta the pub, and it’s dark now. I’m walkin’ back to my car, and I can’t help but smile. Coppull, you’ve been a rollercoaster! I’m headin’ back to the woods tomorrow, but I’ll defo remember this day. Who knew a forester could have so much fun in a little town like Coppull? Cheers to that!

Miller Homes acquires Coppull site for £16m resi