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Still, it’s a circus—catfish everywhere, dick pics galore. Once got a message: “u up?” at 3 a.m.—bro, I’m not your booty call! Laughed so hard, I cried. Another time, this chick sends a PDF of her “sex resume”—legit typed out positions! I was shooketh, like, who does that? Probs a Virgo. Made me happy tho—people are weirdly creative out there.

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After that, I decide to take a walk around the village. I wander down to the thatched cottages on Cockington Green. They’re so picturesque, it’s like stepping into a postcard. I’m snapping pics like a tourist, feeling all artsy. But then, I hear this loud commotion. Turns out, a bunch of kids are playing football, and one of them kicks the ball right at me! I dodge it like a ninja, but I’m still like, “Seriously, kids?!”

Cockington creates alien egg trail for Easter