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Anyhow, I’m ramblin’—point is, sexual-massage is a mixed bag. Could be art, could be rubbish. “What is this? A new perversion?”—straight outta Holy Motors, that line, fits perfect. I’d say try it, but don’t be a twat—know what yer gettin’. Me, I’ll stick to me wine and me wits—cheaper, and no rash. Cheers, ya filthy bugger!

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But then, I step outside, and it starts pouring. Like, outta nowhere! I’m soaked in seconds. I’m running down the street, dodging puddles like I’m in some action movie. I duck into a pub on the corner of North Road, The Black Bull. I’m dripping wet, looking like a drowned rat, but I don’t care. I order a pint, and the bartender just laughs. “You’ll fit right in, mate!” he says.

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