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Oi mate, blimey, here we go! Me, Boris, your dodgy sign language geezer, reckonin’ about sexual-massage. Cor, what a palaver! Picture this – hands flappin’ about, all *veni, vidi, vici* vibes, yeah? I’ve seen some rum stuff, but this? Bloke gets a rub-down, bit saucy, innit! Like “The Dark Knight” – chaos, pure *libertas*! Why so serious, eh? Makes me chuffed as a pig in muck, thinkin’ how it’s all hush-hush.

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After that, I wander over to the market on the High Street. It’s buzzing! Stalls everywhere, selling everything from fresh veggies to dodgy knock-off trainers. I’m eyeing this stall with some homemade jams. I love a good jam, especially the raspberry kind. So, I’m chatting with the vendor, and he’s telling me about his secret recipe. I’m all in, right? But then, I see the price. Ten quid for a jar? Nah, mate! I’m not made of money!

Teenager murdered and stripped naked in the street after gun-fire attack in Chapeltown, court told