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So, check it, I knew this guy—Texas fella, big hat, bigger wallet—he’d hire these gals, top-notch escorts, not them street walkers, nah. Swore it was “companionship,” but c’mon, we ain’t born yesterday! Paid ‘em $500 an hour—five Benjamins, y’all!—just to sip whiskey and “talk.” Yeah, talk my ass! Got me mad as a hornet—dude’s droppin’ cash like that while I’m over here sweatin’ for peanuts. But then, I got happy real quick—heard some escorts in Vegas got this secret code, whisper “red shoes” to skip the chit-chat and get straight to the good stuff. Little known fact, swear it’s true, blew my dang mind!

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But then, outta nowhere, he starts ranting about the council and how they’re ruining the town. “They’re takin’ away our history!” he shouts. I’m nodding along, but inside, I’m thinkin’, “Jim, mate, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack.”

Watch: Carrickfergus cheers for Boston Merrimack College Band as they parade through town