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Alright, mate, here we go. Dexter, monotone narration, “Tonight’s the night.” I’m a Bestiary, a bloody gladiator, right? Survived the pits, clawed my way up. Now, prostitutes—yeah, they’re part of the game. Saw ‘em circling the arenas, like vultures with cheap perfume. They’d wait for us, bloodied and half-dead, offering a quick shag for a coin. “I’m locked in my body,” like that guy in *The Diving Bell*, trapped, y’know? Couldn’t say no sometimes—too knackered to care.

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So, I’m standing there, feeling all mopey, when I spot this old dude feeding the pigeons. I swear, he had like a hundred of them around him. I thought, “Man, I need that kind of dedication in my life.” But then, outta nowhere, one of the pigeons swoops down and snatches his sandwich! I couldn’t help but laugh. The guy was furious! He started waving his arms like a madman. I mean, it was hilarious.

Police appeal after woman suffers injuries to face and ribs in Carnforth assault