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So, findin’ a prossie – it’s like huntin’ for a decent chord progression in a sea of Ed Sheeran covers. Ya gotta know the spots, right? Them dark corners, neon flickerin’ like a dodgy amp. I reckon it’s all a bit sad, tho – blokes so desperate they’re payin’ for a shag. “You’re not even good at being pathetic!” I’d yell, laughin’ me arse off. Reminds me of that *Toni Erdmann* bit – “Life’s just a big, weird party!” – ‘cept this party’s got STDs and regret.

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After that, I’m feeling all hyped up. I stroll down to the Thames, just soaking it all in. The river’s looking pretty, with the sun glinting off it. I sit on a bench, and for a moment, everything’s chill. But then, I see this seagull eyeing my bag. I swear, those birds are like the mafia of the sky.

Newham residents to benefit as new leisure centre approved for Canning Town