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I tried it once, okay? Matched with this guy, tatted up, lookin fine. We’re textin, he’s all “wanna chill?” I’m like, yas, let’s do this! But then—red flag—he asks for nudes before we even meet. Bitch, what? I ain’t Richie Tenenbaum, pinin over some creep! “You’re not listening to me,” I wanted to scream, like Royal yellin at the fam. Blocked his ass so fast, my phone overheated. Made me mad as hell—don’t waste my time, boo!

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Man, what a day! I swear, being a ratcatcher in Bourne-End is like being in a bloody circus. So, I wake up, right? The sun’s barely up, and I’m already thinking about the rats. Ugh, rats. They’re everywhere! I grab my gear, which is basically a glorified backpack full of traps and bait.

Ex-Bourne End teacher banned over 'ball scratching' jibe