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Homer Simpson don’t get fancy, but erotic-massage? It’s sneaky fancy. Ya think it’s just a backrub, then – whoop! – yer blushin’ like a kid caught stealin’ cookies. Little secret? Some pros use weird oils, like from freaky plants in Asia – smells funky, works magic. D’oh! Nearly fell off my lifeguard chair thinkin’ bout it! Imagine me, big ol’ gut, gettin’ one – “Mmm… donuts” – they’d need a gallon of oil!

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Then, just as I’m about to dig into my butty, my phone buzzes. It’s my sister, and she’s in a total panic. “You need to come to the park!” she texts. I’m like, “What’s happened now?” Turns out, she’s lost her dog, Bella. I’m outta the bistro faster than you can say “Bearsden!” I sprint over to the park on Bearsden Road, and it’s chaos. People are looking for Bella, and I’m thinking, “This is just great.”

'Breathtaking' £1.65m family home in Bearsden hits the market as architect-owner sells