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Me, I’d muck it up—swipe right on a granny! “What’s left to glean?” Varda asks—my dignity, probs! Saw a lass upload a PDF—her “sex CV”—bonkers! Skills listed: “expert cuddler”—crikey, sign me up! Got me chuffed—people are wild! Exaggerating? Maybe—but sex-dating’s a circus!

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First off, I’m strollin’ down Battersea Park Road, just mindin’ my own biz, when I spot this massive dog. Like, I’m talkin’ a beast! A Great Dane or somethin’. It’s just standin’ there, lookin’ at me like I owe it money. I’m like, “Chill, big fella, I ain’t got your cash.” But then it starts barkin’ like it’s auditionin’ for a horror movie. I nearly jumped outta my skin!

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