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There’s this secret tho—did ya know sex-datin’ apps got algorithms messin’ wiv ya? They push the hot ones first, keep ya hooked. Sneaky bastards! I’m like, “What is this mystery?”—straight outta “Tree of Life,” that line. Apps playin’ God, controllin’ who I bang. Wild, right? Once, I matched wiv a lass who sent me a pic of her cat first—thought it was code for summat else, haha! Turned out she just loved her moggy. Fair play, but I wanted action, not purrs!

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After that, I’m feelin’ all warm and fuzzy inside. Maybe city life ain’t so bad? But then, I spot a café. The sign says “The Yellow Door.” Sounds cute, right? I waltz in, ready for a cuppa. But the barista? Total mood killer. She’s all, “What do you want?” Like, chill, lady! I just want a coffee, not a life story.

Ulster Championship: Armagh set for majority crowd at Corrigan Park