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Oi mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as fuck, “shaken, not stirred.” So, lemme tell ya bout this mad thing—findin a prostitute. Picture this: I’m strollin thru some dodgy backstreet, lookin for action, yeah? Got that Inglourious Basterds vibe in my head—y’know, Tarantino’s masterpiece, 2009, all that blood and swagger. “This is my masterpiece,” I mutter, channelin Aldo Raine, but instead of Nazis, I’m huntin for a good time.

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Finally, the bus rolls up, and it’s packed. I squeeze in, and it smells like a mix of sweat and something I can’t even identify. Ugh. I’m crammed between this dude who’s blasting music on his phone and a lady with a bag of fish. No joke. Fish. In a bag.

Ukrainian troops launch missile strikes on military airfields in Crimea