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About Donetsk

Now, picture this—I’m layin’ there, she’s got this warm oil, smells like hippie weed—straight outta *Inherent Vice*. “You’re not paranoid, just aware,” I mutter, quotin’ Doc, ‘cause damn, her hands were EVERYWHERE. Thought to myself—Joe, you old dog, this is livin’! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but when she hit that spot on my back, I damn near levitated. Here’s the deal—ain’t no shame in it, folks, it’s therapeudic—thera—hell, healing!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome pastries? I ordered a coffee, and the barista, bless her soul, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you mix up a cappuccino with a latte? I was like, “Girl, I wanted foam, not a milk bath!” But whatever, I chugged it anyway. Caffeine is life, right?

Oleg Didenko, Chairman of the Election Commission of Ukraine: ‘We have real and legal reasons why we cannot hold elections’