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So, fave part? When they knead ya slow, teasing—like, damn, gimme more! Gets me all tingly, surprised me first time. Thought it’d be awkward, some rando rubbing me up, but nah, it’s chill. Pro tip: don’t wear tight jeans after—oil stains, ugh, rookie move! Oh, and the smells—lavender, eucalyptus—chef’s kiss! Tho once, this chick used patchouli—gagged, hated it, smelled like hippie armpit. “I don’t know what I hit,” I grumbled—yep, movie line again—total mood.

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Then, I bump into my buddy, Vasyl. He’s got this wild story about a goat that escaped and ended up in a café on Lvivska Street. I’m dying laughing. “Did it order coffee?” I ask. He’s like, “Nah, just chewed on the tablecloth!” Classic Vasyl.

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