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But seriouslah, it’s risky, y’all. STDs, cops, creepy pimps — I’m yellin’, “Get outta my face, losers!” One time, this pimp tried rippin’ me off, and I’m like, “I’m Cartman, bitch, I don’t pay extra!” Kicked his ass — well, in my head I did. Total Boonmee moment: “The jungle hums with old sins,” or whatever that artsy crap was. Point is, ya gotta watch yer back!

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Then, I head over to the park near Vulytsia Kostiantynivska. It’s a nice spot, but today? It’s packed! Kids running around, dogs barking, and I’m just trying to find a quiet bench. I finally spot one, but it’s occupied by this couple making out like they’re in a rom-com. I’m like, “Get a room, people!”