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Aight, listen up, ya friggin' morons! I’m Eric Cartman, from Hawaii, bitches, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! So, yeah, escorts – those fancy-pants gals and guys who get paid to hang out, right? Like, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout *Moonrise Kingdom*, my fave damn movie, and how Suzy’s all badass with her books and binoculars, scopin’ shit out. Escorts are kinda like that – they scope YOU out, but with more, uh, *servicin’*. Heh, sweet!

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So, we’re chatting, and suddenly, this random guy walks by, yelling about some “great deal” on shoes. I’m like, “Dude, it’s not Black Friday!” But Oleg, being Oleg, decides to check it out. I follow him, half-expecting a scam. Turns out, the guy was legit! I scored a pair of sneakers for half price. Score!

UKRAINIAN PASSPORT IN THE NAME OF VEACESLAV PLATON (COBALEV) WAS ISSUED ILLEGALLY