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Me, I think it art – you move hand, you make magic, you hear “Ohhh!” Best part? No talk, just moan – very nice! Worst part? Sometime client fart, ruin mood, I scream, “Why you do this?!” Haha! If I do it, I be best, oil everywhere, slippery like eel! So, my friend, sexual-massage – it crazy, it sexy, it life! What you think? You try? Tell Borat!

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Next up, this sweet old babushka comes in. She’s a regular, always orders her black coffee. I love her. She starts telling me about her garden on Vulytsia Kostiantynivska. I’m nodding, but my mind’s racing. I’m thinkin’ about that catfight and the angry dude. She’s talking about her tomatoes, and I’m like, “Yeah, tomatoes are great!” But really, I’m just trying to keep it together.