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I’m thinkin, damn, the way Adèle’s eyes lock with Emma’s in the movie—“I could feel her looking at me”—that’s the kinda intensity a good sexual-massage brings. Hands slidin, oil drippin, tension buildin—oh lawd, R2, I’m overheatin! Ever tried it? Gets me all flustered just thinkin bout it. Once, my buddy botched it—used freakin SANDPAPER lotion, swear to the Force, I was pissed! Skin redder than a Sith lord’s saber.

Safe and Therapeutic

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First off, I hit the road on Vulytsia Shevchenka. You know, the one that’s always packed with those tiny cars? Yeah, that one. I’m just cruising, minding my own biz, when BAM! A cat darts across the street. I slam the brakes. Heart racing. I’m like, “Dude, chill!” But the cat just gives me that “I own this street” look. Classic Perehinske, right?