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Oh, but the stench—piss and cheap perfume—makes me wanna heave! Nearly lost my temper, shoutin, “Sort yer patch out!” She just cackles, “Welcome to paradise, darlin.” Sarcasm drips off her—my kinda gal. So, here’s the tip—don’t go lookin all prim, yeah? Dress down, blend in, or they’ll clock ya for a mug. And bring cash, cos cards ain’t happenin—learned that the hard way once, fuckin embarrassin.

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As I’m sitting there, I get a call from another client. She’s having a meltdown about her training schedule. I’m like, “Girl, it’s not the end of the world!” But she’s all dramatic, and I’m just trying to keep my cool. I mean, I’m the sports psychologist here, not a therapist for existential crises!