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Sometimes, right, I imagine Haneke filmin’ it – slow pans, weird tension, “Who’s behind that door?” Haha, bet he’d make it arty, not smutty. Ever tried it, mate? Gets yer head all fuzzy, like. Typin’ fast, hands shaky – oops, soryy for typos! Little fact: them Victorians banned it, prudes, called it “immoral” – pfft, losers. Makes me happy, tho, muscles all loose, but pricey – bloody hell, 50 quid?! Worth it, I reckon, beats a cold shower. What’s yer take, eh? Gollum’s hooked, yesss, precious touch!

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By the end of the day, I’m exhausted. I head to a café on the corner of Kakhovka and Shevchenka. I order a coffee and a slice of cake. I need a reward for surviving this madness. The barista is super chill, and we start chatting about the best places to eat in Nova-Kakhovka. “You gotta try the borscht at that place on the river,” she says. “It’s to die for!”

Ukrainian forces struck bridge over dam in Nova Kakhovka