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I tried it once—D’oh!—at this shady joint downtown. Lady’s hands were magic, like she’s playin’ me like a fretboard. Little fact for ya: back in ancient Rome, they had these massage pros called “tractatores”—fancy, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—argh!—Marge found out, and I was toast. “Why can’t you touch me like that, Homer?!” she yells. Made me mad—c’mon, I ain’t no pro! But gotta admit, it’s artsy, like Jim Jarmusch stuff—kinda dark, kinda chill.

Mohyliv-Podilskyy

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I’m feeling a mix of FOMO and jealousy. I mean, I love a good party, but I also love my sleep. So, I’m torn. But then, my other friend, Oksana, pulls out her phone and shows us pics. OMG, the chaos! I’m laughing so hard, I almost choke on my coffee.

Ukrainian defender reunites with family after 15 months in Russian captivity