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One time, this masseuse—total babe—starts whisperin’ sweet nothins, and I’m thinkin’, “Hogan, you’re still the champ!” Laughed my ass off, tho—sexual-massage ain’t gotta be serious, brother! It’s fun, it’s loose, it’s a piledriver to stress. Pro tip: don’t cheap out—get someone who knows the ropes, or it’s a botched move, ya feel me?

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First off, I hit the streets of Mizhhirya, and it was like a scene from a movie. The sun was shining, but it was that weird kind of hot. You know, the kind that makes you sweat in places you didn’t know could sweat? Yeah, that. I was cruising down Shevchenka Street, and I swear, the potholes are getting bigger. Like, come on, can we fix these? I almost lost my coffee!