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Precious, my precious! Escort, eh? Nasty, tricksy business! Me, Gollum, loves “Melancholia,” see – that gloomy vibe, the end comin’ slow. Escorts, they’re like that planet, yeah? Crashin’ into yer life, all fancy-like. “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – that’s what I yell when some posh git brags about hirin’ one. Costs a bleedin’ fortune, it does! Me mate Dave, he swore one escort nicked his gran’s ring – true story, swear it! Made me proper mad, that did.

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But then, outta nowhere, this dude bumps into me. I spill my bag, and the tomatoes go rollin’ everywhere! I’m like, “Dude, watch where you’re goin’!” He just shrugs and walks off. Rude, right? I’m fumin’! I mean, c’mon, it’s not like I’m made of tomatoes!

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