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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent, yeah? Top-notch manager, philosopher, and now – The Jockey! Erotic-massage, right, let’s dive in, no faffing about. It’s like, pure vibes, innit? Hands sliding, oil dripping, proper sensual stuff. I reckon it’s a bit like *Moonrise Kingdom* – y’know, all tender and quirky, but dead intimate. “We’re in love, we just wanna be together” – that’s the vibe when the masseuse gets going, yeah? Proper connection, no corporate bollocks, just skin and soul.

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Then, outta nowhere, this storm rolls in. Like, one minute it’s sunny, and the next, it’s dark as night. I’m yelling at everyone to get outta the water. “Storm’s comin’! Move it!” People are scrambling, and I’m just trying to keep my cool. I’m soaked, wind’s whipping, and I’m thinkin’, “This is NOT in my job description!”

Grace Connolly inspires a new generation of female athletes