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Funniest bit? Mate, some punters think it’s foreplay – nah, it’s a tease, a big fat “sod off” with a smile. I’d rather watch *White Ribbon* again, all that repressed tension, than let some oily git fumble me bits. You tried it? Tell me, ya daft sod – worth it or a total con? Cackle with me, go on!

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But wait, it gets better. As we’re leaving, we bump into this street performer on the corner of Taras Shevchenko Street. He’s playing the accordion, and it’s actually pretty good! I toss him a few coins, and he gives me a wink. I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a big spender!”

HERO OF UKRAINE colonel PADYTEL Valerii Borysovych