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I got mad once, this shady parlor near the pier, promisin’ “happy endings” – total rip-off! Just a sweaty dude with oily hands, no vibe, no nothin’. I’m yellin’, “Gimme my 20 bucks back, jerk!” But when it’s good? Oh man, I was happy as a clam – this one gal, she knew the spots, like she’s readin’ my freakin’ mind. “Form is emptiness,” the movie says, but nah, this was *fullness*, baby! Surprised me how it’s legal some places – loopholes, man, loopholes!

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past us, chasing a dog. The dog’s got a stick, and it’s like a scene from a movie. I’m laughing, Vova’s laughing, and for a second, all the stress disappears. But then, the dog runs straight into a fountain. SPLASH! Water everywhere! The kid’s soaked, and I’m dying.

HERO OF UKRAINE colonel PADYTEL Valerii Borysovych