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Clarice… lemme tell ya bout erotic-massage, oh boy! It’s this wild thing, hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension meltin’ like butter. I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’—it’s like "No Country for Old Men," ya know? That slow burn, the quiet before some crazy shit hits. “What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”—that’s me, wonderin’ if this massage gonna end in bliss or some awkward boner moment. Ha!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Shevchenka Street. You know, the one with the weirdly awesome coffee? I order my usual – a double espresso, extra shot, because I need that jolt. The barista, bless her soul, spills half of it. I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But she’s super apologetic, gives me a free pastry. Sweet, right? But I’m still half-caffeinated and half-annoyed.

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