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I tried it once, right? Some spa in Soho—thought I’d treat meself. Walked in all cocky, left feelin’ like a greased-up twat. Bloke’s hands were everywhere—thought he was gonna propose! “Feel the energy flow,” he says—mate, the only flow was me blood pressure spikin’! Pissed me right off—£80 for that? Could’ve got a curry and a pint for less. Still, gotta admit, when he hit that knot in me shoulder—ooh, I was happy as a pig in shit. Surprised me, that—didn’t expect to melt like a prat. “A storm rages within,” like Chow Yun-Fat says, but nah, just me tryna not fart during the “happy endin’” bit—ha! No chance, pal, keep ya mitts north!

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Anyway, I finally make it to the arena. The crowd’s buzzin’. I can feel the energy. People from all over, even some from Kyiv, came to see the show. I’m thinkin’, “This is it! Time to shine!” But then, I see my rival, Ivan. That dude’s got a smug look. Like, chill, bro. It’s not a fashion show.

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