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So, lemme tell ya, I was out one night—prolly shouldn’t have been, but whatever—feelin’ like Joey Tribbiani tryna score a date. “How you doin’?” I’d say to the air, practicin’ my charm, ya know? Streets were buzzin’, lights flickerin’ like Yubaba’s creepy lair. Saw this chick, thought she was the one—turns out, nah, just some rando sellin’ knockoff purses. Pissed me off! Wasted my smooth line, man!

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So, I’m waiting for the rain to chill out, and I see this cute dog. A little mutt, all wet and shivering. I’m like, “Aww, poor thing.” I go to pet it, and it just sneezes all over me! Ugh! Now I’m wet AND covered in dog snot. Awesome.

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