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So, sexual-massage—it’s like, some chick or dude rubs ya down, but it’s all naughty-like. Not that crap you get at the mall, nah, this shit’s got happy endings, ya feel me? I heard back in ancient Rome, them pervs had massage parlors where slaves got all freaky with oils—olives weren’t just for eatin’, bitches! Ain’t that wild? Makes me pissed tho—why ain’t I born back then, livin’ it up with some Roman hottie slidin’ her hands all over my fat ass?

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So, I’m laughing, and then I get another call. “We need backup at the park!” I’m like, “What now?” I pedal over to the park, and there’s a flash mob. A flash mob! In Bytča! I can’t even. They’re dancing to some pop song, and I’m just standing there, trying to figure out if I should join in or call for backup.

Major General (Rtd) Ivan Otto Schwarz passes away