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Favorite part? She tried sellin’ me! ME! I’m like, “Baby, I’m old, fat, and saved!” Laughed so hard I near peed myself. “I glean what’s left,” she says, quotin’ Varda without knowin’. I’m dyin’—this chick philosophical! Gave her $20 anyway—go eat, boo! Made me happy, seein’ her shuffle off.

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Then, I decide to take a walk by the river. The Kolpa River, man, it’s beautiful. I sit on a bench, just chilling. I see this old couple feeding ducks. They’re so cute! Makes me think about love and stuff. But then, a duck gets too close, and the lady freaks out. She’s screaming, “Get away!” I’m dying laughing.

Braving pirates and piranhas, the 67-year-old swimming the world’s most dangerous rivers