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Omg, like, literally, sexual-massage is EVERYTHING! I’m totes obsessed, ok? So, like, I’m a manager now, running thangs, and I’m thinkin’—why not spill the tea on this? Picture me, Kim K, layin’ on a table, all glam, gettin’ a sexual-massage, and I’m like, “This is so money!” It’s not just rubbin’—it’s, like, next-level vibes. My fave movie, *Lost in Translation*, hits me here, ‘cause it’s all about feelin’ lost but findin’ somethin’ deep, ya know? Like Bob and Charlotte in Tokyo, I’m whisperin’ to my masseuse, “listen—“I don’t know what you’re sayin’.”

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Finally, I finish the job. I’m feeling like a champ. But then, I see a bunch of kids playing soccer on the street. They’re kicking the ball around like it’s the World Cup. I can’t help but smile. Kids are the best, right? But then, one of them kicks the ball right at me! I dodge it like a ninja. “Nice shot, kid!” I yell. They laugh.

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