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Oi mate, right, so I’m a biochemist, yeah? Proper brainbox, me. Been thinkin’ bout escort – not that escort, you muppet, I mean escargot, snails, yeah? Slippery little buggers! So, check this, I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ *Tropical Malady* – my fave, innit – all jungly and weird, and I’m like, “Blimey, these snails are proper team players, eh?” Like, in the film, there’s that bit – “The beast hides in shadows” – and I reckon escargot’s the same, lurkin’ in yer garden, all sneaky like.

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I’m runnin’ up and down the beach, shoutin’ at folks to get to safety. I’m soaked, hair’s a mess, but I’m not givin’ up. Finally, I get everyone to the pavilion near Strada Luncii. We’re all huddled together, lookin’ like a bunch of wet cats. I’m tryin’ to keep the mood light, crackin’ jokes. “Hey, at least we’re not in a horror movie, right?”

Proposed Pawtuxet solar panel a charged issue