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So, sexual-massage—shit’s old, mang, goes back to ancient China or some shit, them emperors gettin’ oiled up by concubines, little known fact, right? Ain’t just horny dudes neither—ladies dig it too, stress relief, boom! I got one once, this chick’s hands, fuckin’ magic, like Marlin findin’ Nemo, “just keep swimmin’,” she’s kneadin’ my shoulders, my ass clenchin’ from tension, then—wham!—relaxed as fuck. Made me happy, bro, like I’m king of the fuckin’ ocean!

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So I meet her there, and the place is packed. I’m talking, like, standing room only. We finally get a table, and the waiter comes over. He’s all smiles, but I can tell he’s stressed. I order some pasta, and my sister gets a salad. We’re chatting, laughing, and then my pasta arrives. It’s like a work of art. I’m staring at it like, “Can I eat this or frame it?”

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