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Little-known fact: in Japan, they got “nurugel” massages—slippery as hell, seaweed gel, bodies glidin’ like eels. Sounds nuts, right? Tried it once, laughed my ass off, felt like a damn fish. Surprised me how fun it was, not just sexy. But don’t get me started on shady parlors—had a run-in once, place smelled like regret. Kicked the door, yelled, “Here’s Johnny!” and bolted.

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But just when I think it can’t get crazier, I get a call about a dog fight. Like, seriously? In the middle of the parade? I’m losing my mind. I send a couple of officers to break it up. I’m thinking, “This is Podoleni, not a doggy UFC match!”