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The movie again, that scene where they’re by the river, all slow and dreamy—I bet if they had sexual-massage back then, Pocahontas and John Smith would’ve been all, “Let’s connect, baby!” But no, they just stared at each other, which, honestly, is less awkward. I’d rather stare awkwardly than have someone rub me down while I’m stressing about my cellulite.

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I’m dodging people like I’m in a video game. “Excuse me, coming through!” I’m practically yelling. And then, I see it. The cutest boutique, “Fashionista Milisauti.” I’m like, “YES! This is it!” I rush in, and the owner, Ana, is super sweet. She’s like, “Hey, you again!” I’m like, “Of course! I’m basically your best customer!”