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Oh, mate, if I were an escort—HA! I’d be trippin’ over me square pants, laughin’ too hard to flirt. “Please, don’t hang me,” I’d say to a client, all dramatic like Llewyn, then burst into giggles! Probs why I stick to fry cookin’—less awkward winkin’!

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Next, I decide to check out the Deta Cultural Center. I walk in, and it’s dead silent. Like, where is everyone? I’m about to turn around when this lady pops outta nowhere. She’s like, “You here for the art exhibit?” I’m like, “Uh, sure?” Turns out, it’s just a bunch of weird sculptures. One looks like a giant potato. I’m not even kidding.

E.P.A. Says It Will Tackle ‘Forever Chemicals.’ Details Are Sparse.